on thursday, june 15 i underwent the last pre-transplant tests (aka transplant work-up). it was a very long day of running from one appointment to another, and anyone who knows mass general knows the distance one can cover going from one part of the campus to another. a large part of this exhaustion, though certainly physical, was also emotional — this was the last thing on my to-do list prior to the actual (inpatient) transplant itself. this realization was never far from my mind the entire day. yes, i was glad to check each test/meeting off the work-up schedule, but that was also bringing me closer to the admittance date (june 22, 2017). which, in turn, leads me closer to the rounds of high dose chemo, the inability to leave the cancer ward/floor for 2-4 weeks, etc… yes, i want this to get underway, naturally, the past 14 months have been an endless battle with emotional and physical lows that i could never imagine enduring. but there is fear; the part of me that wishes to extend each day as long as possible, to stretch time before i attempt tackling another larger and more horrific obstacle, is very afraid. i do wholeheartedly believe in courage, but this must be held as near/dear to oneself as being, for lack of a more poetic term, scared shitless.
on june 15, as part of the pre transplant tests, i had:
a chest x-ray
a heart scan (MUGA)
a pulmonary function test
up-to-date (blood) labs & urinalysis
a consultation with the social worker
& one final meeting with the oncologist to go over final details, sign consent forms, chit-chat, etc.
Cross-posted from Cyclical.Life