Sitting here drinking my two bottles of contrast.
Little bummed yesterday as I know that these procedures mean having my life completely paused for at least 24 hours.
Paused, with a lot on the line.
When I was doing chemo, I embraced a 'one day at a time' mentality which later moved on to a week, then a month and finally scan to scan. If I could just find peace in those timeframes I could rebuild and live.
Ignore and forget what had happened. And reclaim.
I guess what made that process easy, looking back now, is the small endow of time in between. In the big picture, not a whole lot happens in a day, a week or a month. But a lot HAS happened in the last six months, all good, and STILL going good, and the even slightest thought of that getting thrown off track again is terrifying.
The upside is of course that the odds, math and statistics are on my side. I know that. That provides a lot of comfort which gets me through most days by even thinking about this stuff, but the time between scans I almost consider borrowed time. Like I'm living a sentence, racing an hourglass and I'd better make the most of it.
In some way I guess that's probably how I should live, and probably should have been living all along. My time isn't guaranteed. I can get hit by a bus tomorrow or Jackie might turn on me and devour me.
I 'spose what makes cancer different is that it's slow, generally. You don't know anything is wrong. I've never been in pain because of it. Never felt sick.
The day after each scan, I breathe a sigh of relief, pat myself on the back for dodging the bullet yet again, then put my blinders on and resume living. But, I also flip the hourglass over again and push it to the back of my mind. Knowing that while I can bury all the fears FOR NOW, in a few months time I'll have to stare down that barrel again.
I don't know that there's a point to any of me writing this. I'm sure I'm fine, but am afraid to ever feel 100% sure again, cause I did that twice before and holy hell was I wrong.
When I write stuff like this, it isn't some planned out event. I just start typing and whatever comes out comes out.
Anyway, I'll bugger off now. Thankfully I get to results later today and while I won't see my doctor until next week, over the course of this mess I've taught myself how to read the CT-scan results, so by tonight I'm sure I'll be in a more relaxed mood.
I've got a really nice part tomorrow on a TV show which I'm really looking forward to, and it's not a cop or anything remotely related, so I'm excited to do something different so that's keeping me somewhat distracted.