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Longing To Feel What I Know I'll Never Feel Again After Cancer

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Longing To Feel What I Know I'll Never Feel Again After Cancer

Kim Jones

I've been feeling extremely restless lately, and I haven't known why. I realized I've been longing for that security that we all felt about our lives before cancer, and the restlessness is because I know I'll never feel that again. At the conscious level, I've understood and accepted this for a long time, but it doesn't mean that we don't subconsciously still long to feel that again, and that it can't affect us. A bit of depression perhaps, finding myself once again longing for something that I know I'll never feel again?

So, what can you do? Well, you can go to Europe now cheaper than ever!

Disembarking in Barcelona, Spain for a week of fun and adventure with my family.

We've longed to come back to the continent for a long time, but have avoided vacationing in Europe for years because of the highly unfavorable exchange rates and sheer expense. But since 2015, the Euro has been trading at just about parity with the dollar, making European vacations cheaper than they've been in well over a decade. And, here we finally are in Barcelona for a week! What does any of this have to do with a history cancer, and getting caught up in the depressive uncertainties of life? Absolutely nothing, and that's the beauty of it. "The Best Way to Survive Cancer, Is To LIVE!" So get out there and do it! You don't need anyone's permission. 

Once you've had cancer, you'll always have had cancer, and there's no going back. Our minds somehow manage to buy into this myth that we're going to live forever with certainty. Since the day I heard those words, "you have cancer," I've known how painfully that this just isn't so, and how hard it can be for our minds to let go of that, as here here I am six years later still fighting echos of this false belief. I can never truly slow down, and I can never truly relax, because feelings like these come back whenever I try. Sometimes I'm tired, but I just have to keep running, because that's the only way I know how to live, and that's what brings me the only peace that I know how to feel.

What brings me peace is living my life knowing that I haven't wasted my time here, whether it's enjoying my life, and family and friends, or by doing meaningful things. But I have to be doing something, otherwise these restless and insecure feelings come back. What does that tell you? It tells me that even six years after cancer, I'm still afraid in a way, and that's okay. It's what drives me to live my life and to do what I do. Esta bien! :)

My main challenge for the next week will be trying to see how much high school Spanish I can remember while in Spain. Considering everything else we've had going on in our lives, I have to say, that'll be a challenge that I'll thoroughly enjoy! Whether something happens to me next month or in a year is out of my control, but if something does, I'll be glad that I managed to check Spain off of my bucket list, and I'll remember this trip with a smile.

Disfrutar! ("Enjoy" in Spanish!)

Steve Pake
TCAF Ambassadors Blog

Cross-posted at StevePake.com

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